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It's Still A Little Confusing

What is love? What is the feeling of love? Is it the existential feeling of euphoria and bliss within one’s mind and soul? The answer is no. I know if you’re a CareBear living in CareWorld you might think it’s nice to believe that to be the truth. The truth is that feeling doesn’t actually exist unless you’ve had a manic episode or happen to be Buddha. With that said, it can be easier than you think to be confused by the whole ordeal…

So here I am, back when I was little. I’m constantly trying to figure things out including how to label my emotions. I have an emotion and someone in my life explains to me what that emotion is called. For instance, embarrassment. I do something or say something embarrassing and I turn all red. What just happened? Well luckily, I have a kindergarten teacher that explains to me that what I’m feeling is labeled or known as embarrassing. I then know what embarrassment is for the rest of my life because it has an immediate association. You get it. Now the tricky part...

Fast forward through time until I’m a 20 year old. Stop right when you get to my first manic episode and the episode that doctors used to classify me as someone with Bipolar I Disorder. I wish someone would have explained what I was going through like my old kindergarten teacher did with the feeling of embarrassment. I was so caught up in the rush and even delight of mania, I just couldn’t help myself. I decided to label the mania and mood swing myself; it was love. Now this is troublesome because it constantly comes back to kick you in the ass. Why? Because love is a good thing.. A thing worth pursuing and having in your life; not mania… What's the difference?

So here I am in my early thirties relentlessly guarding against mania, but trying pretty hard to fall in love. The two do not go hand in hand, as it turns out, this time around. I know we have established that the two entities are mutually exclusive, but I’m having a hard time telling my mind that. What I’m saying here is that this label, although suppressed, never disappears. I’m hooked on a loving feeling. This is a large part of why I never want to tell my family when I’m ramping up toward mania. Maybe it’s all in my head but I love love/mania. It’s way more fun than a Hallmark card… for me anyway. It’s a dangerous mix when labeling your mania with an actual feeling state. Maybe if love wasn’t such an abstract term to begin with we wouldn’t have any problems. Either way, if you have a bout of psychosis, you’re gonna think it’s some kind of feeling because it can get pretty chaotic and intense. Hard to unlabel a label once it’s labeled.

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