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How Am I Supposed To Putt?

If you’ve ever played golf with me, you know the sad truth. I’m a cursed putter. I miss everything. If there’s money or pride on the line, it only gets worse. It’s easy to blame Lithium as it makes me shake when I’m nervous, but it’s more than that. I talked to one of my uncle’s in length about it. He gives me the best advice he can, but it’s to no avail. The thing is, that it’s not my stroke, my stance, my grip, my contact with the ball, or the roll-out. I simply just miss. And I miss a lot. I talked to an old coworker about the game of golf. He told me something that still rings true. These guys on Tour tend to win, tend to have everything clicking right, when their life is in order. I think about this all the time. No wonder I can’t putt! My life has never been in order. I just need to order my life. That can’t be too complicated…

So this upcoming season should be better than the last. Last season, I took big steps forward in putting my life together. I threw my life story in a book. Writing this thing was extremely therapeutic. Most of the content in the book had stories that I have never told a single person in my life. For instance, there is an ongoing plot with a specific girl. Not a single person in my network of friends and especially family had any idea that there was a girl in my life that I just so happened to fancy. -- The girl, the stories within the psych wards, the lights in Chicago and driving around, and stuff that happened at work.. Not to mention all my family drama -- it all got documented and sent off to a publisher. My life story got put on paper and gave me much needed space and breathing room. Like I said, writing this midlife memoir was therapeutic, and putting it all on paper was a big release for me. It helped me immensely,and, therefore, it just had to help my golf game. I mean let’s be clear on what is really important. With early help from stimulus packages and time off from waiting tables, I did, in fact, really get to bunker down and work on golf. But this year is different and despite clearing the air in my own life, I still can’t putt… but why?

I know, it’s still early. But I’m just not confident I’m at that point in my life my old coworker spoke of. Am I the right age? You bet, and some. Is my mind finally free? Yes, but it’s just not at peace. Writing the book did so much for me, and getting it out in the open restored much needed order and respect in my family. Not only that, I have had people reach out to me and thank me for sharing an introspective look on my experience with bipolar disorder. One person told me that what I did was a ‘service to others’, and hearing this meant the world to me. So why do I suspect this notion that I still can’t putt? I mean I haven’t even played a round of golf yet as my back has been thrown out for the last three months (I’m currently undergoing weekly physical therapy).

Things are still up in the air on my end. I’m heavily contemplating going back to school. I’m pretty sure I want to teach high school, and am very close to making that commitment. My brother says I shouldn’t become a teacher, and I have a rule that if my brother thinks something is a bad idea then it’s something worth pursuing. Luckily, I got a new phone and have stopped receiving coded signs through the phone or through city lights. However, I am still single with no prospects and this does sadly weigh on my mind. With all this said, my future as a human being is in complete question. Maybe it’s supposed to be, but this can’t possibly help me putt!! Something to work on.

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